I Am Not Here

I am not here

This is not happening again



You are not him

You know that I know this

but you can’t fully mask the hurt

that comes when I see you as him

even for just a moment.



I’m sorry

that I flinch every time you raise a hand near me

I’m sorry

I had to leave that restaurant that you like so much

because of the particular way the man at the table next to us had his hair styled

I’m sorry 

you fell in love with someone so needy and fragile



You tell me every night that you love me

holding me close

kissing the back of my neck with your winter-chapped lips

You love me and I love you

but I’m still learning to love myself.



You tell me that I’m the strongest person you’ve met

I have trouble seeing it most days

I try to see the me that you see

I want to be her

a shining example of courage born of adversity.



I’m scared every day of my life

I’m scared that my entire life is going to be like this

reacting like a cornered animal

every time I hear a loud noise

I’m scared that I’ll never be the person you deserve to be with

But I’m even more scared

that you’ll be here anyway

wasting your time

Poem of Myself

Do you believe in the power

of self-love?




Your body belongs to you

and no one else.




If you don't want to kiss him,

for chrissake DON'T




You are the owner of your

lips tongue and teeth




When you learn to love everything

cellulite pig-nose and weird second toes




In that moment it will feel as if

no power can stop you




Fall in love with yourself

Be your own secret admirer




Write love notes about your

hair eyes and tits




Buy yourself flowers and champagne

Treat yourself to nice dinners




After all

The most beautiful parts of you

are the ones you love the best

Episodes

(1)

I saw this commercial the other day for one medication or another that warned me to tell my doctor if I experienced “new or worsening depression”. New depression? There are people who haven’t been depressed since early childhood? I’m having trouble picturing it.

(2)

“Your pulse is a little high; are you nervous?” Dr. Warner asked me the other day.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I replied.

“Why is that?” Dr. Warner asked.

“I’m awake?” I told him, laughing. He didn’t think it was as funny as I did.

(3)

I think that I’m probably at least mildly manic-depressive. I’ve got these wildly cresting  and falling emotional extremes that are seemingly predicated on nothing concrete. That sounds like the textbook DSM-whatever-we’re-at definition of bipolar depression, but it also kind of sounds like standard human experience. I’m not sure if I’ve experienced either of them, so who knows.

(4)

My mental health team is comprised of myself, a clinical psychiatrist, and a therapist. I’ve got this fantasy where they sit in a room together and talk about nothing but me. Trouble is, my therapist is a behaviorist, so I don’t think they’d get along too well. I can’t tell if them getting into an argument over how to make my life better makes the fantasy better or worse.

(5)

I forgot to refill my medication again. I’m in for a fantastic day of sweating, nausea, and mild dissociative episodes. They call it SSRI discontinuation syndrome, because no one wants to say ‘withdrawal’. Withdrawal is a word I’ve really only heard on Law and Order reruns when someone dies before they can testify. To draw a connection between me and that isn’t funny, but it definitely makes me laugh.

(6)

Sometimes I wonder if I’m emotionally stunted. Objectively emotional things like ‘heartwarming’ Facebook videos of football teams doing nice things for people don’t affect me much anymore. But then I get sad again. Am I so self-involved that I can’t get out of my own head long enough to have a little empathy? Am I so self-involved that I’ve devoted this much thought to this?